A Wonderful Life

Today was Cindy's funeral. I opted to have a babysitter for the service for the girls and Isaac. I have been to some really hard funerals in my life and I was wanting to spare them the extra pain. I also wanted time for myself to grieve without having the kids to worry about. Drew came with us, of course. As it turns out, there were quite a few kids there which I didn't expect.

It was a beautiful service. There was a perfect balance of missing her and remembering her that I would hope would be present at my own funeral. The most touching part were the tributes people read about Cindy. The way each of her friends and family described her had many common words like beauty, grace, patience, kindness and humor. I enjoyed the funny stories told even though my eyes filled with tears. The tributes made me wish I had had the courage to write one, stand up, and read it.

As I thought about this later, I realized that though I am a terrible public speaker (and I mean terrible, I often laugh hysterically out of pure nervousness) I do have one outlet that has been working for me for almost 5 years...my blog. This I can offer. This I can give.

Cindy married my mom's youngest brother, Frank. My sister and I were in their wedding when I was 7 years old, Hannah's age. I don't remember much about it from experience, but I have heard many stories about how my 5 year old sister put on quite the performance pulling up her tights up and shaking her finger "No" at my mom as my mom tried to get her to stop. For some brides this would have been a disaster to have at their wedding, but Aunt Cindy thought it was a riot, retold the story, and laughed about it for years to come.

When they had three beautiful girls, I babysat for them until the family moved to Virginia. Then I just saw them at Christmas and sometimes in the summer. Their three girls were in my wedding as junior bridesmaids. It wasn't until I moved out of Texas that I got to spend more time with my aunt and uncle. We have had the pleasure of stopping in for visits on our way back and forth between Texas and Germany. The kids always loved to visit them, and not only because Uncle Frank always put on movies and gave them way too many sweets, although I am sure that helped. Aunt Cindy always had creative and fun activities for them to do. Whether it was a home-made play-dough volcano, well thought out crafts, or a spur of the moment taped on mustache.

By far the most memories we have with Cindy are from the last year and a half when we have lived close to them. Cindy and I shared a love for children and arts and crafts. We had many great conversations over the years. She was always so fun to be around and had a great sense of humor. I have always been impressed at how my uncle and her raised their three girls. They've become great young women and I am proud to have them as role models for my girls. Even better than all that Cindy was to me was all that she was to my kids. They have never had a grandmother live close by and Cindy filled the role of surrogate grandmother very well since we moved here. She and my uncle took the kids for craft days and even a whole weekend before Drew was born so Brian and I could go on a vacation alone for our tenth anniversary. During the summer that we moved to the area, while I was still in TX with the kids, Cindy would come over all day while Brian was at work and set up my whole kitchen, the bathrooms, and helped unpack much of our boxes, and she would come grocery shop for me when we first moved in. Before she got sick, Cindy came out to visit sometimes during the week when I needed help with the kids like when I had to paint the living room or go to the dentist. She and my uncle came to the kids' birthday parties and had us over for dinner all the time.

I am especially thankful for this last Thanksgiving. That is really the last time she was her usual self. She bought new serving pieces, set up the tables so beautifully, and had wonderful crafts for the kids to do that day. That was when the kids made the Indian costumes out of pillowcases. She set up such a cute kid's table for them. And then there was the Advent boxes she spent so much time pulling together for the kids. These are great memories, but they are not without the pain of realizing she is gone and it was the last Thanksgiving with her.

The whole time she was sick, I wished that I could be more helpful to her. I love through service, and it killed me that because of being pregnant, having a newborn, and homeschooling I wasn't able to help her out more. However, I was so blessed by her friends and family at the visitation and memorial services. First, one of her really close friends that flew in for the services came up to me and told me how much she loved my kids and how well behaved they were. Cindy had been so glad we moved close. She told me that Cindy had said, "This is what grandchildren must be like." She told me that I gave her a gift, that my kids were a gift to her since she never got to see her own grandchildren. I can't tell you what that meant to me. I was still thinking about this when someone else came up to me and said something to the same effect. For the two days more people than I can count told me the same thing more or less, that she loved my kids and thought of them as grandchildren. And I can't help but think that my Aunt Cindy was blessing me and comforting me even after her death. What an amazing woman and a wonderful life.

Cindy's family
My aunt, three cousins, and uncle

Telling the kids

Tuesday night Brian and I told the kids about Aunt Cindy. They were at a friend's house most of the day so that I (and Drew) could be with my uncle and cousins. Brian kept them up a little late so that when I got back we could tell them together.

Isaac didn't seem to quite get the permanence of it. Hannah and Genna's first question was, "But when we go to their house who will do crafts with us?" They loved to do crafts with their Aunt Cindy. The girls cried and we did our best to comfort them knowing that there is nothing we can really do to make it better for them. That is a hard part of parenthood, watching your kids grow up in this world, facing pains that kisses and hugs can't fix. What we can offer them is the hope and promise of eternal life that Jesus has given us. Without this, her death would be simply unbearable.

This is a hard thing for anyone to accept, the permanence of death. I can still hardly believe that I won't see her next time we go for a visit to my uncle's house. How do you learn to live without someone who had such a wonderful and welcome presence in your life?

My Aunt Cindy

When we moved here in 2010, we were thrilled to finally live near some family, my aunt and uncle. We move around so much that this is a luxury that we really haven't had ever. It has been a huge blessing to us.

A year ago, Aunt Cindy had her appendix out and they found the cancer. So began her year long fight. This woman had some serious style and grace, and I always thought of her as the Jackie Kennedy of cancer patients. Until Thanksgiving I could see hardly any effects of the treatment or the disease. This is not to say she didn't have any, only that she didn't let it show and certainly never complained. She didn't like to talk much about it. I remember Isaac asking her once if she was "better yet." I am sure he was confused since she didn't look sick and yet we prayed for her healing as a family every night. She replied simply, "I'm trying."

On Christmas day, we were at their house and she was definitely a lot weaker. It was shortly after that when they decided to stop treatment. When we heard that news we dropped everything and went to visit her that very day. She was having a "good" day, my uncle had told me. So we jumped at the opportunity since just a few days before we were over for a visit and we were not able to see her since she was sleeping the whole time. This was nearly one week ago today. I didn't know that would be the last time we would ever see her. If I had known I would have made sure she knew how much she meant to me, to us. If I had known I would have told her that I hung up the plaster heart hand-prints she helped the kids make for my Christmas present. For some reason it slipped my mind that day, but I had intended to tell her how nice it looked on my bedroom wall with their photos. If I had known I would have prepared the kids more for a calmer visit. I would have brought coloring books or something to keep them busy in the confines of her bedroom. If I had known I would have written her that letter that was on my to-do list for tomorrow to tell her all the things that I could not say.

But I didn't know. I thought we had more time. We always think that, don't we? Thankfully though, for every I wish I had known, there is an I'm glad that. I'm glad that we went to see her that day, on a "good" day. I'm glad that she got to hold Drew that day and he brought her a little bit of joy. I'm glad that she didn't have a long drawn out time of suffering and that her pain was easily managed. I'm glad that she had the chance to say and do the things she wanted to before she left this earth. I'm glad that her three girls are grown and out of the nest. As a daughter, I know you always need your mom no matter how old you are. You are never old enough to lose your mom. But as a mom, I know raising your kids, teaching them, and getting them to that place of independence is so very important since no one can love and raise your kids the way you would.

Cindy passed away early this morning. She was only 47. She will be so greatly missed. She was a friend to me and a surrogate grandmother to my children. My heart and prayers are with my uncle and cousins during this incredibly difficult time. I only hope I can be of some help to them.

Aunt Cindy holding Drew on Thanksgiving day