Church Behavior Discussion

My memory is already starting to fail me at the age of 32. I can't keep all my memories straight. So I will be adding things to the blog from time to time about our rules, how we discipline our kids, and, once the baby arrives, nap schedules and various other newborn topics. I did not record these details with the others because I was too caught up in their every bit of cuteness to bother with keeping track of when they went from a 3 hour to a 4 hour routine, or when and how I stopped swaddling them, etc. Today I have been thinking about Mass behavior and how we got to where we are today. To start, here is a quick summary of the three children and their own distinct behaviors in Mass:

Hannah was almost three before she didn't have to be regularly taken out of Mass for a "talking to" or held in the back on particularly bad days.

Genevieve has (maybe) been taken out of Mass for a "talking to" a handful of times her whole life, and that was when her Daddy was gone for a year. She missed him the most during Mass. She has, on the other hand, had to go to the bathroom during Mass the most of all my kids. More on breaking her of that habit later.

Isaac is somewhere in between the girls, but probably closer to Genna. He has his share of problems like being too wiggly or bouncy and occasionally talking too loud. For the most part, the only time we have had real problems with him was when making the transition from sitting on Mommy's lap to sitting in the pew like a big boy. More details on that transition later.

So the question is, "Did we learn something and handle things better with subsequent children, or was Hannah just more strong-willed and difficult than the others?" I think it is a combination of the two. I think we have learned not to over-react about little noises over the years. Plus, we have had different priests with each child since they were all born in different states/countries. Some of the priests have been more distracted by the kids which made me more nervous, and others have been so overjoyed to see children on the front row that it has made me more relaxed. Hannah, though, is our most strong-willed of the children so far. I think we would still be having trouble with her during Mass if we had not taken away all TV/movies for having to be taken out of Mass for a "talking to" until she could show us good behavior in Mass. Sometimes this meant a week until the next Sunday Mass. If she was lucky I would brave a daily Mass, but in her younger days I rarely had the guts. Anyway, it made a big impression on her and she got better fast.

What are our rules for Mass? That differs somewhat for different ages, but some rules are across the board like "No food or books." We used to allow the girls to look at religious books during Mass, but it got to the point where they started arguing over them and it was more trouble than it was worth, so we nixed them as well. As far as toys go, up to a year old we allow a few things to chew on or hold, but after that nothing. This is surprising to most people because they can't believe that a two year old can sit through an hour long Mass without any food, toys, or books to distract them, but it is possible. Besides if we let the baby do it, it would be extra work for me to keep the older kids (who are not that much older) from playing with them or eating the snacks too. Isaac sat through two 2 hour services during Holy week without a peep, so I know it can be done, and with a boy no less! When they see other kids eating and playing in Mass and ask to do the same, I simply say, "Their mommy and daddy have different rules than yours." This is something that, these days, has to be said often to the younger kids since it seems that we are quite strict compared to many.

Back to our rules, for under 2 years old I only have two rules that I try to get across.
1. Be quiet.
2. Stay with Mommy and Daddy.

If we can get those two rules understood, memorized, and followed then I consider it a success. We recite them in the car on the way to Mass starting at a year. At first, I am reciting them, but since I have early talkers, they are usually telling me the rules well before they turn two. Between 2 and 2 1/2 years old we began the transition to the bigger kid rules. For 2 1/2 year olds and up, we have 5 main rules.

1. Face the front.
2. Be quiet.
3. No sitting on Mommy's lap when Daddy is there until after Communion.*
4. Try and say the responses.
5. Don't play with brother or sister.

*When Daddy is not there, I find this rule is too hard to enforce, and I allow only the baby of the family to sit in my lap. The reason we make this rule is because so far that is about when I am pregnant and we want to have everything already in place when the baby is born when I will need my hands free. I think this helps the children not blame the baby for this new rule. To keep from blaming the new baby, we say, "You are a big boy/girl now, and this is what big boys/girls do." We have just finished this transition with Isaac.

As for preventing frequent potty breaks during Mass, I institute a rule when needed that says, "If you got potty during Mass, Mommy or Daddy then miss some of the Mass taking you, and so we will stay after Mass for five minutes of extra prayer to make up for it." This is not a punishment, but a consequence that fits the action fairly. I know sometimes they have to go, and that is not what the rule is for. It is to stop chronic potty breaks just to get out of sitting in Mass. It works like a charm too because they still have to sit the same amount of time. Obviously, during potty training, I don't do this, like we are right now with Isaac. We always make sure everyone has gone before Mass starts to help avoid this problem as well.

And that is how our family does Mass. We are a front row family because the children like to see what is going on and it tends to help them behave better. This was scary for me at first, but I have a new perspective on things after raising three totally different personalities. All children misbehave, and I can not expect mine to be perfect every second of every day. As a perfectionist, this is not easy to accept but I think I am finally there. We may actually have Genevieve to thank for that one. She has always been my "angel child," rarely getting into trouble, but she has also embarrassed me the most in public places. Her one fit a month, was always at a store or a restaurant it seemed. It made me see that all kids have their bad days, just like adults do. We just have learned a more socially acceptable way of dealing with our bad days. Well, most of us have anyway.