Preparing siblings for a new baby

I took the kids to a siblings class/tour at the hospital at which I will give birth. I think I was more excited about this than the kids were. The lady teaching the class had four grown kids of her own. They watched a video, practiced holding a baby doll, and took a tour of the Labor & Delivery and Postpartum wards.

The topics discussed made me start thinking about how I have prepared the kids this time and the times before for the arrival of a new baby sister/brother. The main things I tell them are what the baby will and will not be like when he first comes out of my tummy and comes home. He will cry, sleep, make dirty and wet diapers, and drink mommy's milk. He will not walk, talk, crawl, hold his head up, play, or eat food at first. Plus, we go over some rules. Yes, yes, more lists and rules! What can I say? I love them! These are our basic rules:

1. Never pick up the baby alone. Mommy or Daddy will help you if you want to hold the baby.
2. Never feed the baby anything or put anything in his mouth. He will choke.
3. Keep small toys and objects away from the baby to keep him safe. (At 18 months, Hannah would dump out some toys next to baby Genna, and immediately put all the small things out of Genna's reach. I love that girl!)
4. Be quiet and respectful of the baby when he is sleeping.
5. When the baby is on the floor, be extra careful not to step on the baby or fall on him. No running or crazy activity near him while he is on the floor.

Now something I noticed at this class bothered me a bit. I think too often we make the new baby seem like a negative thing without even noticing it. Things like, "You might be sad or want more time with Mommy when the baby comes," are just asking for that to happen. If that happens, then fine deal with it then, but I have always tried to put a more positive spin on it before hand. I play up all the wonderful things about the baby coming so that it is an exciting event to look forward to. For example, I talk about how great it will be when the older sibling will become a big brother/sister and get to be my special helper and what kinds of things he/she can help with. I talk about how cute the baby will be and how cute all of my children have been as babies (and still are.) I tell them funny stories about when they were babies. (My kids are story addicts so they all love this.) I tell them that the baby will need us to teach him things so he can grow and be a good brother someday. The baby will need us to teach him things like how to talk, how not to knock over big brother's/sister's things, and how to share, just like all the children in this family have had to be taught these things.

I think of it in terms of raising expectations and thinking/talking positively. Saying things like, "You are going to be such a great big brother! You love your baby already, don't you?" seem better than "Your baby brother is going to take a lot of Mommy's time, and this might make you feel left out." It is just not my style to put negative ideas into their heads. If there was a problem after the baby was here, I would talk with them about it, age appropriately, and explain then. Maybe this isn't right for everyone, but so far it has worked well for us. I always tell them how much the baby loves them from inside my tummy. When Genna sings to Drew and he starts moving around, I tell her how much he must love her singing. It makes her feel good and be excited about meeting him.

I also try not to blame things on the baby. This is harder than it sounds because the reason Mommy is tired is because of the baby. The reason Mommy can't play is because she's nursing the baby. But I don't have to tell them that. I don't have to justify why I am tired even if I feel I do, and if they want me to play baseball with them when I am nursing, I say, "How about we read a book now and then play baseball after I am finished feeding your brother?" Yes, kids will figure it out, but by blaming the baby it seems like I would be giving them someone to be mad at.

Brian and I really want to teach selflessness to our children. I think when a new baby comes into the house is a good time to do that. We try to always teach the kids that everyone in this family needs love and attention and we should try to put others before ourselves. Certainly, this is not an easy lesson learned, even for adults. Plus, understanding that the baby needs to be nursed a lot now, but one day he will be big enough to eat at the table with everyone else and will not need that kind of extra attention anymore...just like the older kids in the family have all done as they have grown up.

We are all really looking forward to Drew's arrival! I think the younger two may have given up on him ever coming out of my tummy. Hannah, though, knows that two weeks isn't far and is very excited about that. Obviously, Isaac has the hardest adjustment ahead, unbeknownst to him. Surely, he will feel at times that he has been dethroned, but I hope to soften the blow the best I can by giving him the attention he needs and spending some extra quality time with him. This is always my instinct anyway. When a baby is born, I have always had a hormonal sort of mourning the loss of my former "baby," so I tend to want Brian to help out with the newborn a bit while I dote on my former "baby." I remember when Genevieve was born that I didn't voice that desire until I was a blubbering fool who just missed my one-on-one time with Hannah. Brian happily took Genna for a while so I could hang with my big girl. It was just what we needed. Here's to a smooth transistion with as few blubbering mommy moments and jealous kid moments as possible!